Beautiful
by Misai
Summary: Songfic. Jeanne is having a hard time trying to deal with the many issues of the Shaman fight, justice, and herself. And someone else is too. LysergXJeanne.


**Beautiful**

It is odd how learning new vocabulary words of a language over the ages as you grow up become something you use against other people. These words you learn with as you grow older form into sentences that are used against people. People whom you may care so much about. People who you may love and...people whom you hate. 

Sometimes, words can kill you. 

_Spoken  
Don't look at me_

A short life of eleven years. At this age, I should be at a boarding school in France right now, learning some new words to memorize and add on in my memory. Not out here. Torturing myself to the extent that even people do not do in their own life times. But I do believe my parents do not care if I did die anyway. Here I am, risking my life for justice. 

I laugh. 

What justice? 

_Every day is so wonderful  
And suddenly, it's hard to breathe  
Now and then, I get insecure  
From all the fame, I'm so ashamed_

What is wrong with me though? I feel dirty like I have done something wrong. But...I don't think I have done anything wrong. I have done everything to fulfill the requirement of what justice is. Well...justice is created by man. And man is evil. In this time, the world is trapped in the center of this evilness. And that evilness is Hao. 

But...no matter how much I try to believe...why do I not believe in my heart that Hao is to blame? If he is not to blame then it might be Yoh. Although I have accused him of holding a dirty soul, the words I have learned since I was a child, had formed a sentence of a lie. I go off to blame that Hao is the evil. Murdering people senselessly all for the sake of gaining more power. While in my sarcophagus one time, I thought of a little poem. You can get a little bored just being cooped up behind iron all day. And just forming these words into lines of poetry, I managed to come up with the thought that the Spirit of Fire symbolically represents the devil. And Hao is a devil. 

But...how many people have come up to the X-Laws and/or me before their deaths claiming that I could never defeat the almighty Asakura Hao? Surely if they could not get past me, there is no chance for them to even touch Asakura Hao. I am the only one that can bring justice to him since I know he will not come to justice himself. 

These mere weaklings who have no right to call me that. Weak to Hao. I am strong. I am much stronger than they think and I can take down Hao. My presence makes people shiver. Almost no one can look at me in the eye while speaking because of my holy presence. So what gave them the right to say that I am weak? I am not. 

_I am beautiful no matter what they say  
Words can't bring me down  
I am beautiful in every single way  
Yes, words can't bring me down  
So don't you bring me down today_

One of the days that I was free from my sarcophagus, Marco got a little upset. He wanted to see me grow stronger. I told him that everything will be all right, of course. I giggle at his franticness. It hurts though. Inside. That is all he really cares about, is it not? For me to bring justice to Asakura Hao, an omnipotent five-hundred year old spirit in a body of a thirteen-year old child. A handsome, young man, I suppose. Looks **are** deceiving though. A face can easily cover up the evilness of a heart, since you cannot see a person's heart nor ever understand it rather than just looking at a face and understanding what they look like. 

It hurts too, of how I had simply allowed Lyserg to join the X-Laws. He does not believe in our whole justice issue. He is only hoping to join a faction that is strong enough to beat Hao. I do not know how, but I can see disbelief in his eyes. The X-Laws seem to have that some kind of look like that too. Does this mean they do not believe in me? I am the Iron Maiden. They have to believe in me! There would be nothing else left for me if I do not have a faction that does not believe in my strength. 

_To all your friends, you're delirious  
So consumed in all your doom  
Trying hard to fill the emptiness  
The piece is gone and the puzzle undone  
That's the way it is  
_

I sat down on the ledge of the dock that the large X-Laws ship we were able to buy is docked near by. I am the only one out here right now. Of course, if Marco did know where I was, he would be very tense and protect me for the next forty-eight hours. He would go on, on how Hao could appear any time to take my spirit if I let my guard down. He is a bit overprotective I can say. I do not know why, but I feel as if he is just _trying_ to believe that I can win. And he did mention "Hao could take my spirit". He really does believe Hao is stronger... 

It just all comes back to my self-esteem. It is dying. It is dying so fast, you probably would have not even noticed there was any self-esteem or confidence to begin with in the first place. The moon seems to always shine so confidently though. All the words that people form together depict of how beautiful _she_ really is. It is nice, actually. It gives it a look of guidance over those who are lost in the dark. I can feel my heart drip with pain again...I am the one that is suppose to guide Man out of darkness. Like the beautiful moon guides the lost souls in the darkness of night. 

_You are beautiful no matter what they say  
Words won't bring you down  
You are beautiful in every single way  
Yes, words won't bring you down  
Don't you bring me down today..._

"J-Jeanne-sama?" that calm, soft voice could only be Lyserg Diethyl. I do not know whether to be furious for him interrupting my silent, peaceful moment. Moments that I usually never have. Most of it is crying out in pain whenever that sarcophagus closes on me. No one can hear my screams but me. No one can ever go through the pain I go through. Why? Because they are cowards. They are too scared to go through this so a girl, me actually, has to endure this pain they are too afraid to experience for them. 

"Yes? May I help you, Lyserg?" I tried speaking patiently. It is hard to respond politely when you felt the most precious moments of your life are being interrupted by someone who is an ally of yours. An ally that does not believe that your power is enough anyway yet he still plays along as if your power was good enough. When was the last time someone respected me for me? Not my strength? 

_No matter what we do  
No matter what they say   
When the sun is shining through  
Then the clouds won't stay_

"I---," I did not bother to listen. He is older than me. And I have read romantic novels about young girls falling in love with older guys. The funniest part, though, is when they _always_ fall in love in the end and will always be for each other forever. These works of literature have been repeated over so many times, that you want to laugh at it because it is so predictable. It is so redundant though, that you wish it was true for you. I wish for it too. To wish I could have someone love me for me. "Jeanne-sama?" Oops. I probably did not hear what he had to say. 

"I apologize. I--," I cannot think of anything to say. I can already feel myself blushing. Well, it is not that I do not lack communication skills. It is just...I...cannot...talk to boys. Me, the Iron Maiden, false savior of this wretched world, does not have the ability to communicate with older boys like human beings. The only thing I can do was shake my head to him. 

A moment of uneasy silence rested. I could not tell where he was standing behind me. I do not know if it is good or bad, but I believe he is at lost for words too. We never talked privately to one another. Marco does not even talk to me in private. It is usually when all the X-Laws gather around. No one ever talks to me in private...I am sure. I hear a sigh of relaxation from him but not from where I expected to hear that sigh. He is right there. Right behind me and I could feel a tingle run down my spine. My...a boy and hormones. It is usually the boy that looses control is it not? Then why am I the one that feels so nervous? 

"Jeanne-sama, I wanted to ask you something." He whispers in my ear. His hands are on my shoulders and I shudder just having him that close. I am quite sure he expects me to be the usual confident self that I usually fake that I am. Truth to be told, I am scared of many things. Death, time, aging, rejection, mistakes, pain, loneliness, ugliness, being left behind, forgotten, Spirit of Fire, Hao, and most of all, words. The things that help expand your mind to express your thoughts more clearly over the years with words you pick up over your lifetime. Because words can leave a scar bigger than a crater made by a meteor, bigger than the blades of the sarcophagus, bigger than a sword's cut. Because you may remember those words forever. 

_And everywhere we go   
The sun won't always shine   
But tomorrow will find a way  
All the other times_

"I wanted to ask if I could wear this for tomorrow," Lyserg. I could feel his arms go around me. For a moment, I twitched and winced. He knew. I think he seemed surprised too and he seemed to have held back for a moment. The thing that everyone forgets about me is that I am only eleven years old. I have childish fears but I would hate to see people laugh at them because it is always 'why would the Iron Maiden be afraid of the dark? why would she be afraid of her own sarcophagus she's in 99% of the day?'. I look down to see his arms. It is not the X-Laws uniform that I so recognize. It looked like a nice fabric of some sort. The ends of the sleeves were obviously an English pattern. So he is from England. 

"Why?" I can feel his heart pounding calmly although my back is the only thing facing him. I could almost laugh. My heart is racing and I feel like I could faint any minute and fall into the ocean and drown. Slight exaggeration there. "Is it a special occasion of any sort?" 

"Yes." He paused with a slight hint of hesitation in his voice. "You see, tomorrow marks the day that my parents have been gone for eight years." Oh. Instead of my heart fluttering as it was a second ago, it dies down to pain. "Hao." It was all he had to say for me to put the puzzle together within a second. I wished I could return his embrace but I am not facing him right now. "Jeanne-sama, I'm sorry." he muttered painfully. "I'm sorry if I don't fully believe in you. It has to hurt. Everyday, walking into that sarcophagus knowing what to expect. All of this for us. I'm so sorry..." I can feel his embrace growing stronger. Right now, I feel like crying. I do not know anymore if this is for justice or if this is for them, or if this is for a selfish ambition to prove that I am the best. And so I cried. He is not crying though. I think he is trying not to. It is hard. I know it is. 

"L-Lyserg." I raised my hand to wipe the tears away. Instead, he took the tears away for me. "Thank you. Thank you for being honest." I could only cry some more being the emotionally unstable eleven year old girl I am. "Even if I do not win, I...want to also fight for you." I had no idea where those words came from. But I guess it will be a new vow to make for myself. If it is one thing, I do not want him to experience a life without a parent's love because of Hao. Before, he was just an object that had to be destroyed. Now, I have a reason to completely wipe him off the face of this earth. And to hate him. But it is weird though. Me. And Lyserg. Admitting the stupidest things like this. 

He held me like this for a while as we both watched the moon and the calm ocean in silence. It was the only thing we could do for now. Those words that he had used in that sentence. It had touched me how clean he really was. Not many people are like that today, and I feel lucky I can talk to someone who does have that quality most do not have. In a way though, I feel it is almost a bit wrong. My focus is the Shaman Fight. Not Lyserg Diethyl. And what will happen to my reputation if people do find out about my...fondness of him. Will they think of me differently? Will _he_ think of me differently? 

_We are beautiful no matter what they say  
Yes, words won't bring us down  
We are beautiful no matter what they say  
Yes, words can't bring us down  
Don't you bring me down today_

"Jeanne-sama." He whispered breaking the silence. "May we go back inside?" It has been a while we have been out here. It was getting cold until he came. I like this though. If I died tomorrow, I would forever want to have remembered this moment. 

"Yes." He helped me back up and courted me back to the ship like any of the other X-Laws would have done. But it was different though. Or was it because of how I looked at it now? I do not know if there is even a word for it. I probably would know later on. All I could think about now was the sarcophagus and the cold steel that I would have to endure again. As we walked down towards the hallways and ready to break up directions, I wanted to pretend for once, to be like the girlfriend or a date saying something like 'I had a good time tonight'. I think I can understand why so many girls want a boyfriend. 

Instead of me saying something though, as we were walking about two steps away, Lyserg spoke breaking the unsettled, disturbing quietness that lasted as we walked back into the ship. "Jeanne-sama, do you really want to go back into the sarcophagus?" 

"What do you mean?" Somehow, unlike those clueless characters you read about in books, I know what is going on. I almost feel as if he is hinting something that I come a little uncomfortable across. Or perhaps that is just me. 

"I...was wondering..." he walked up towards me making me feel a bit nervous again. "..if you wanted to.." I can feel hesitation in his voice. But he is keeping eye contact with me showing that he is completely confident and serious about what he had to say. And I still feel very uncomfortable about this. "..do you want to stay with me..tonight?" 

I had expected him to say that, but I took it a totally different way. I can feel my face turning beet red and I now could not look at him in the eye. But I did notice he looked very ummm what is the word...cute? Yes. His hair did seem to fall nice and naturally and his clothes which were different obviously complimented his hair, his face, and almost...his body. I laughed. Since when did I ever come with these kind of dirty thoughts? Marco would have probably been shocked over if he knew what I was thinking. 

"Umm...I..guess so." It is better than the cold sarcophagus. Lord, just one night not be too much of a sacrifice to my training. I do not want to think about training right now. I guess I can just forget all about this tonight. Forget about my fears, about the Shaman Fight, about Hao, and I think that is what Lyserg was trying to direct me to. He smiled at me and I could feel my face glowing redder than it already was. We walked on down in the hallway towards his room. I trust him that he would not hurt me. I do not think he ever would. Maybe I just want to be the moonlight to lead everyone out of the darkness for, but tonight, all I want is to lean on someone else and forget that fear had ever existed. 

_And don't you bring me down today..._  


A/N:: Wh33! That was LONG O_o;;. I know I should be working on other ficcies but my mind was **CRAVING** for LysergXJeanne action! Anyway...o_o forget I ever said that. Forget I ever said that. Forget I ever said that. Anyway, the song is called _Beautiful_ by Christina Aguilera. There aren't many good songs at all by her anymore, but this one I happened to like a lot since it carries a good message that all of us really need at times. So...hope ya u lyk and review my ficcy! 


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